But that doesn’t mean I don’t stop wanting direction and answers. I can’t stop wanting what I want from You. Does that even make sense? I mean, apparently You’re omniscient and all that good stuff. I think by now, I just wanna know why. Why is my faith in a state of disrepair? What did I do to ever get here, anyways? I do what You want, I do it out of sincerity, but no. Look at me now, still questioning, still wondering, still wandering. Is your absence intentional or was it something I did? Because I cannot fathom, for the life of me, what in the world it could be.
Get back to me soon, please. I’m still listening.
- Be more honest with my family.
- Lose 15 more pounds.
- Figure out how to regain my faith.
- Figure out how to never lose it again.
- Go skating.
- Find and eat at a restaurant that serves stromboli.
- Feel pretty without 4 or 5 pounds of makeup on.
- Take a picture with Jason Patterson.
- Tell him the difference his message made in my life when I was 15.
- Forgive the two worthless imbeciles who raped me.
- Move on from it.
- Stop all of this cutting business.
- Find a healthier coping mechanism other than self-injury.
- Find a church I actually like.
- Finish the Ender Wiggin series by Orson Scott Card.
Make more lists
It’s goin’ down.
But I believe most things that teach us lessons we couldn’t have learned otherwise are events that we need to be cognizant of. Whether or not you’re a glass-is-half-full or empty kind of person, I think it’s still vital to understand that we won’t always understand and the point is to be okay with that because otherwise, it’s a confusing process to contemplate when we will never always have answers. Some lessons we must learn for reasons we won’t always see. Sometimes faith despite what seems like a bleak wasteland of hopelessness is how we learn that how you come out if it is what’s going to count.
Maybe answers aren’t what we should be searching for, but acceptance that those answers aren’t ours to have… appreciation that we can enjoy the beautiful things while they’re ours to experience.
I’m really afraid to speak of believing, faith, God, forgiveness, redemption and realizing I’m lacking tact. Those words are heavy. The real ones. They have all been warped and distorted in some fashion, abused in a manner that my father of love did not create it to be. I wonder if my faith would be different or stronger or bolder in my friendships or connections with my peers if that apprehension was not nearly as prevalent as it’s been. I feel guilty for being on either side of that matter of abuse: afraid to be mashed with a vague generalization of religious-terminology misusers or the apathetic sidelined people, content with silence. Neither of those really seem to be acceptable.
-Jon Foreman
I keep thinking about this, I can’t stop thinking about this. Like that phrase is just ingrained into my thinking.
When I was a few years younger, think 14-17, I had that “I think I got it figured out but I’m going to keep my eyes open just in case.” I wish I could go back and tell that girl, no, you DO have it right. You are so right, there is no room to question, no room to wonder, do not waver, do not lose focus! DON’T! Stop letting your peripheral vision wander into the places that will do nothing good for you. Feel free to see in black and white, that’s what keeps your head, your heart, your soul straight.
It’s funny that people often look ahead, and think “5 years from now, I’ll look back and think how wrong I was.” Sometimes, I wish I could trade the present now for that instead. The one thing worse than trial and error is looking back and realizing things were right all along, seeing where you went astray, wondering what could have been done differently.
The more double takes you have, the more doubt can cloud that truth. If faith isn’t tested and in turn, given the room to grow, then it probably isn’t faith, but a blind by-product. When that truth, that faith, gives doubt and wonder and second-guessing room to blossom, and leading only to actions and words that are littered with regret, it’s a terrible thing to conclude that the younger you was much more accurate.
Discovering the absolute truth of life, values, love, God, relationships, and faith when your younger is absolutely a gift. Be careful; don’t let your own flesh warp it into looking back, and transforming it into a burden.
Learn, unlearn, re-learn.
